On a scale of 1 to 10, how chapped is my ass?

GOOP: Hair gel, anal lube, slimy children’s candy or heinous new Gwyneth Paltrow website?

Probably all of the above. My ass chappage goes to 11, baby.*

First, some recognition: Good job, BHL; you were either loyal or industrious enough to correctly ID the last Frig? as a horrible attempt to render Thai peanut sauce as a dessert terrine.

For the weekend Frig? I bring you not a mind-boggling food product, but a mind-boggling internet product: www.goop.com, a soon-to-be website by the self-proclaimed Martha Stewart of younger, thinner, macrobiotic-diet eating mothers of children with pretentious names, Gwyneth Paltrow. Her tagline? “Nourish the inner aspect.” Her claim? “My life is good because I am the beautiful, privileged child of wealthy Hollywood royalty not passive about it.” She will tell us what to eat, where to go, and how to spend our hard-earned billions.  And since she’s doing it from the safety of a nation that’s not about to enter the Great Depression of Aught-Eight (or what I like to call the Flaming Financial Shitball That’s Going to Spray All Over YOU PERSONALLY When It Hits The Fan Any Moment Now of ’08, or FFSTGTSAOYYPWIHTFAMN, ’08**), we’ll never have to worry about a disruption in content! Yay!

Sweet holy Moses and Apple on pogo sticks, what the fuck? She has gajillions of dollars, she couldn’t pay someone to fix up her shitty writing and come up with a better tagline? Better yet, she couldn’t pay someone to explain to her what a ridiculous idea this is? I would do it for the bargain price of $2 million, lump sum please.

While the site is just a placeholder now, I for one have already begun holding my breath for its launch, and look forward to her recipes and homemaking advice. I’m starting to get lightheaded, but I’m sure it will TOTALLY be worth it in the end.

The frig?

*So does Sars’.

**Flaming Shitballs: Also the name of my new punk band.

0 thoughts on “On a scale of 1 to 10, how chapped is my ass?

  1. I hope all the food on the site is hers. I can’t wait to see what kind of (“hippie”, tofu, low carb, soy induced crap she’s just going to puke up later anyway) food she puts on there… She is hot though

  2. I just have to ask: have you seen the new pbs show with her, Mario Batalli, Mark Bittman and some hot (and probably rich to boot)spanish girl traveling around spain eating and drinking and cooking and driving Mercedes? I think this is her new “thing.”

  3. graham, don’t knock the hippie food just because paltow’s a tool.

    CK, no, and i have no plans to, even though i usually like bittman.

  4. I seriously don’t get Goop! What is it, a how to be Gwyneth website or something?!

    And “I like being in spaces that are clean” – well, so do I! But I have OCD, or CDO (as it should be, in alphabetical order).

    By the way, I thought Gwynnie and Chris “boring” Martin lived in the UK, where, if I am not mistaken, we are also about to hit by the same flaming financial shitball.

  5. Eh…it’s already no good. I checked out the blurb under GET, and in it she commands “Don’t be lazy”. I am a self-proclaimed slacker and procrastinator. That is how I roll. Besides…do we really want to trust the word of someone who is the size of a number two pencil? Please!!

  6. ryan, since a pound sterling is still worth around $1700 american dollars, hopefully you’re in better shape.

    allie, there are several skinny people who i personally know and trust. the real question is, do we really want to trust someone who names her children after fruit? that’s gotta be a sign of something.

  7. PUHleeze.

    It’s just a shitty, not-so-well-thought out marketing gimmick devised to accompany the shitty, gimmicky, exploitative Spain/Mario Batali food tour/series thing on PBS.

    Either that, or she needs a fucking hobby because she can’t find a decent movie role (she’s butchered the English accent in like every movie she’s ever made requiring her to fake one).


  8. Wow.


    I’m not sure I understand the hostility. So what if she has a website that tells people to be happy. Is anyone forcing you to read it and comply?

  9. jodi, yeah, goop. the only interest i have in it is know what goop actually means. and then i’m out.

    traci and melissa, i think some, but not all, stems from gwen hate, and most stems from a strong averse reaction to the classist tone of the site. for example, i don’t hate her. but she’s launching a pretty privileged- and classist-sounding endeavor at a time when the rest of us are trying not to get sucked into the shit storm, and she isn’t doing it with a new concept that would actually get my attention. the lack of recognition that her privileged position in the world is NOT simply the result of being “proactive” is, honestly, a little pukeworthy. and she’s a terrible writer to boot, which is the real nail in the coffin for me. because let’s face it, i’ll read any crap if it’s cleverly written.

    then there’s also the general irritation that movie stars think we give two shits about how they eat and what hotels they stay in in aspen. which is part of a much larger ball of wax, i know.

    but, i did like shakespeare in love and ironman. so where does that leave me?

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